Archive for the ‘Retro Review’ Category
Or – “They Also Serve Those Who Only Stand And Wait Get Retconned After Twelve Issues…”
It’s a sad truth of the Legion of Super-Heroes that many readers consider them (in the words of my pal Otter Disaster) “an inside joke that I don’t get.” That confusion is understandable, given my own questions on whether Vol. 4 Laurel Gand and Rebooted Andromeda should be considered the same character, or whether Alchemist and Element Lad should be treated as one, sharing as they do little more than a real name in common. So, it’s nice to be able to take a character and give a straightforward explanation, without changing realities, wiped out figures, or reconstituted post-Crisis elements… Today’s entrant started as a crush for a fellow Legionnaire, and ended up becoming an emblem of how the team overcomes prejudices, heals old grudges and can even make a better hero. This, then, is your Major Spoilers Hero History of Giselle Smith of Triton… Gazelle!
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Or – “Hey, Vent! You Ready To Move Out?”
When you read monthly comic books the way that I do, often times you get to the point where you feel like you know what’s coming, when every title feels like you’ve read it before. On the other hand, you have the odd experience where you read a title or issues that you KNOW you’ve read before, but you cannot for the life of you remember how it’s supposed to end. With over a hundred monthly titles coming out, sometimes you need to play catchup, you need to go where everybody knows your name to the land of the Rapid Fire Revieeeeewwww!
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Or – “Most People Don’t Know That His Full Name Is Manuel Labór.”
So, I have completed my daily labors, overseeing the dozen fellers and gals what make up the current workgroup to call themselves Team RamRod (”See, you’re Arkot Ramathorn… Ram. And I’m Rodney Farva… Rod. Team RamRod!”) and I am preparing to have some spaghetti and hang out with friends, but first I wanted to catch up with some of the many titles that I’ve neglected over the busy last days of August…
RAPID-FIRE REVIEW TIME!
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Or – “Boys Of An Unusually Superhuman Nature…”
During the Hero History Project, I have taken a few liberties here and there in the manner and tone in which I convey the life and times of the various Legionnaires. One of the most controversial has been my use of the name Tom Welling to refer to Kal-El’s boyhood career in the LSH and elsewhere, a choice which has led many people to pointedly needle me, even going so far as to question my journalistic integrity. With tongue firmly in cheek, I would like to respond thusly… Point the first: I make no pretense of being a journalist, and thus my integrity remains mint-in-package. Point the second: At the time the Hero Histories began, DC Comics was embroiled in a legal battle causing them to eschew the use of a certain S-word, and thus it was timely to make a joke (that I then proceeded to beat into the ground, as is the way of my people.) Point the third: My project, my rules, I make ‘em up. But as this last Hero History actually began to take form (which is the primary reason that you haven’t seen much of me this last week) it became quite clear that continuing with the joke would have finally been too much, even for me. Moreover, it would undermine the point of the Hero History: To examine each Legionnaire on their own terms, and to look at their own flaws and virtues on an individual basis, and to try and quantify what it is that he, she, or it brings to the table, jokes be damned. Given the historical importance of today’s entrant, I could do no less.
You’ve waited patiently, Faithful Spoilerites, the day that I’ve been dreading (and that you’ve all been waiting to see if I could actually pull off) is here. This, then is your Major Spoilers Hero History of Kal-El of Krypton, who became known as Clark Kent of Earth, as well as his young clone, Kon-El of Metropolis. They call them both…
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Or – “All The Powers At Once???”
When I began the Hero Histories of the Legion of Super-Heroes, my initial intention (after eulogizing the recently-dead-again Karate Kid) was to defend the honor of a couple of my old favorites, which is why we began with Matter-Eater Lad, Bouncing Boy, and Blok. It was some time before I really realized what this particular project needed to be about, indeed what the Legion itself is implicitly about. As we progressed through the history of the Legionnaires, I realized that the point of it all was that anyone, that EVERYONE can contribute to a better world, if given a chance. As the Histories continued, it became both easier and harder to do them, as it’s relatively easy to find something to say about a high-profile Legionnaire like Lightning Lad, but it’s hard to find something that hasn’t been said a dozen times before. This is the reason why I’m glad that we are where we are today… Naysayers may claim that today’s Hero History is the easiest of all, what with the undeniable awesomeness of the subject matter. Indeed, when Jor-El began the firing sequence that sent that fateful rocket into the sky, there was no way that he could have seen what was to come for the universe overall. It is thus that we are finally ready to examine the greatest achievements of the dead planet Krypton, the heroic legacy that keeps it alive in our memory, the very HEART and SOUL of the Legion and all that it eventually came to represent. It is truly the Major Spoilers Hero History to end all Hero Histories…
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Or – “A Dash Of Courage To Go With The Brains And The Heart…”
Today’s entrant has been for half a century one of the most iconic of the Legion’s dozens of active members, existing (like his fellow founders) in virtually every iteration of the team to date. UNLIKE his fellow founders, though, he hasn’t been tweaked, twisted, and reshaped to fit into each “new” world, instead seemingly shaping each of those variant worlds with his own quiet strength and integrity. Never the most overtly powerful Legionnaire, he was nonetheless the unanimous choice for first Legion leader, he was instrumental in bringing the team back from the brink of oblivion after the Dominators dismantled it, and he supported a Legion lost centuries from home, bringing them home without a single casualty. It’s no surprise that when three futuristic heroes travelled back into history looking for the one being who most defined heroism to them, that they chose this man as the shining example of what the Legion of Super-Heroes really stands for. This, then, is your Major Spoilers Hero History of Rokk Krinn of Braal… Cosmic Boy!
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Or – “Of Course I’m Serious. And Don’t Call Me Shirley.”
Oh say can you see…
By the dawn’s early light!
What so proudly we hail…
In the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose bright stripes and broad stars,
In the perilous night…
For the ramparts we watched,
uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa…
And the rocket’s red glare!
Buncha bombs in the air!
Gave proof to the night!
That we still had our flag!
Oh say does that flag banner wave,
Over a-a-all that’s free!
And the home of the land…
And the land of the – FREE!
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Or – “We Hold These Comics To Be Self-Evident…”
Today is American Independence Day, commonly referred to as July 4th, as it takes place on the 4th of July, hence the name, and that’s why the song is called Alice’s Restaurant… To all the faithful Spoilerites of the United States, Happy 4th of July. For those of you who are from elsewhere, sorry about all the hegemony and stuff. Either way, it’s time for another bout of our Rapid Fire Reviews, bite-sized chunks of comics that I either couldn’t write three paragraphs about, or ran out of time to cover. Give us your tired, your poorly drawn, your huddled masses of comics, yearning to be bagged in mylar…
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Or – “Off To Meet My Doom, Mom! See You After School!”
Comic book publishing schedules puzzle me. The Twelve hasn’t come out in what seems like a year, while Agents of Atlas is apparently on a bi-weekly status, and Spider-Man is coming out every sixteen minutes or so. Wolverine alone accounts for half the forests destroyed in the United States every month. The major publishers can’t seem to decide whether it’s a market for the celebrity auteur writer, or whether it’s the characters who sell the books regardless of creator. When Wolverine #73 came out a few weeks ago (before the publication of #72) it occurred to me that the entire industry is run by the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert, and that I should really just relax.
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Yes, Free Comic Book Day was weeks ago, but dang it, I’ve been busy with stuff (super secret stuff), and I only just made it to my FCBD stash in my ever growing comic book stack, which is relatively small when compared to my ever growing comic book collection that has not been bagged, tagged, and boarded. It’s all on my to do list, just like this Mini Retro Review of Red 5 Comics’ Free Comic Book Day Atomic Robo issue.
Or – “OH, GNAAAAAAAAAAARRRRLY!!”
It’s so easy to blow up your problems, it’s so easy to play up your breakdown. It’s so easy to fly through a window, it’s so easy to fool with the sound. Life’s the same, I’m moving in stereo… Life’s the same, except for my shoes. Life’s the same, you’re shakin’ like tremolo. Life’s the same, it’s all inside you. Life’s the same, I’m moving in stereo… Life’s the same, except for my shoes. Life’s the same, you’re shakin’ like tremolo. Life’s the same, it’s all inside you!
Read the rest of this entry »
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Or – “Freakin’ In The Purple Rain With A Flying Hippo!”
Hey, kids! What time is it?
Time to get a new watch!
Return with us now to those glorious days of yesteryear, when comics came out every Wednesday, there was a new car in every a garage, a chicken in every pot, and a pot calling the kettle collect! When the review pile gets high enough to fall over, it’s time for Rapid-Fire REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW OOOOooooOOOOOO!
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Or – “How Much Do You Want To Be A Super-Human?”
Many years ago, I managed to track down a leather-bound copy of a book entitled “The Encyclopedia of Super-Heroes.” It listed, in ridiculous detail, as many of the superheroes created between 1938 and 1984 or so as the writer could possibly document, from Superman and Batman down to one-shot wonders like Butterfly and Hell-Rider, to advertising characters like Bud-Man. Since then, I’ve often wondered how difficult it would be to update that volume, since the 90’s comic boom created thousands of guys whose names are synonyms for “fight,” and gave us easily as many new heroes as were in the entire original book. But another question floated to the front of my mind while reading these issues. If you had the opportunity, and you really wanted to be in that book, to have powers and costume and the whole schmear, REALLY wanted it… What price would you be willing to pay to be Superman?
Or – “Additional Revenge of the Return of the Living Monolith!”
Woodland creatures with large-bore ballistic weapons?
Looks like it’s time for another round of RAPID-FIRE REVIEWS! With special guest star, Ted McGinnis! And Jerry Mathers as the Stephen!
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Or – “Cut Me Some Slack, I Been Working For A Promotion…”
My day gig is a study in many things… Management theories. Inappropriate dress. The mating habits of the Bisexuals Of The Plains. But one thing that it is not, and has never been, is uncomplicated. Thus, I have come to you, our Faithful Spoilerites, with another batch of mini-reviews, just like a Chili’s mini-burger entree only less likely to make your @$$ look like a truck. (Also, be aware that I just barely decided not to do this one in limerick form, in honor o’ th’ wearin’ o’ the green…)
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