helpless romantics?

[Blackthunder01]

I can do little to continue this discussion here without further deviating from the thread. I will simply say that I do not consider myself superior to you, I recognize that all of us struggle with emotional issues, and that all of us can be better than we are today. On the latter part of that, it comes down to the individual to take responsibility for his own feelings, thoughts, and life.

Clearly I have offended you and been perceived in a way other than how I intended to be perceived. So I sincerely apologize for any part that is my fault.

Back on topic then, let's say that we do feel overwhelmed by our romantic feelings for someone? What can we do about that?

Dude, I'm not offended.  I just see it that you're very stead fast that you believe all this will work.  I got those impressions from you but at the same time I know you weren't trying to offend.  I don't take it personal.  I just reserved myself to believe that nothing is absolute and that for every strong person there is a weak one.  On this particular subject, I've lived through the opposite of what you believe so I'm trying to talk on that subject.  I agree that everyone is responsible for thier actions but I don't agree that everyone is in controll of their actions.  Sometimes you have to take a punishment for something beyond your control because it's the right thing to do.

Long story short ... we cool.

[Navarre]

Yep, we cool.   

So, what do we do about that one person in our lives we can't be with but can't get out of our head?

[Blackthunder01]

Can't be with?

Best thing is to just TRY to move on.  Either way, if you absolutely can never ever ever be with them, you need to stay away from them and struggle in your own head AWAY from them.  If you have serious trouble with it, counciling is the best action. 

Or, if you can controll yourself but not your feelings, love them from a far so long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else.  Be there for them as a friend if they need you.  But be honest when you deal with them and let them know that if you are going to hang out, you still feel this way about them.  Let the other person know what they may be getting into and have them help YOU keep themselves in check.  But this is not for everyone.

I've got other things to say but that would be getting too far into my personal life.   It's possible to be in love with a person and not be with them.  I'm currently doing that now.  It's a long DIFFICULT and sometimes painful road to walk.  But the benifits of that kind of MUTUAL relationship are often felt to be worth it. 

[Navarre]

Yeah, I agree with all of that.

I can't be with the woman. Never. But I can't not be around her either because she is too connected to other people that are too important to me.

So I feel all I can do is be honest with her about my feelings. While I accept that those feelings cannot change, I can decide how I let them affect me and therefore how I act in return.

So it seems the best I can do is (as they say) "live with it" and "just be friends". ... That hurts, but that's the reality of it. My challenge is to not let the hurt hurt too much, right?

[Alisha Mynx]

Yeah, I agree with all of that.

I can't be with the woman. Never. But I can't not be around her either because she is too connected to other people that are too important to me.

So I feel all I can do is be honest with her about my feelings. While I accept that those feelings cannot change, I can decide how I let them affect me and therefore how I act in return.

So it seems the best I can do is (as they say) "live with it" and "just be friends". ... That hurts, but that's the reality of it. My challenge is to not let the hurt hurt too much, right?

That kind of reminds me of my situation before I was with my partner because I also had strong feelings for my best friend.  To some extant, I still do.  And as cliche as it is gonna sound, I'm actually glad in the end to have her as a friend rather than not have her at all.  She's just that awesome.

[Navarre]

No, I get that. This woman makes my life better simply because she is in it. Regardless of what capacity that is in, I feel lucky for knowing her.

[Blackthunder01]

The bonds we forge with these people (again, so long as they are mutual) can be stronger than anything else you've ever known.  If you can transcend the pain, then you come to a place where the status of your "relationship" no longer matters.  Friend, lover, wife ... you won't care.  It will come to a place where the time spent with that person is all there is.  

I'm not at that place myself but things are moving closer and closer to that place.  I love my ex wife.  I hope I always will.  But the more time passes, the more I'm coming to understand that all my pain was over the thought of losing her.  If she is my friend, do I ever really lose her?  Currently, she is my best friend and we've been there for each other like we used to be despite not being together.  It's hard to explain and harder to live.  But once you're there, it feels right.

Like I said, it's still a journey for me.  I hope it's a journey for you too.

[Blackthunder01]

No, I get that. This woman makes my life better simply because she is in it. Regardless of what capacity that is in, I feel lucky for knowing her.

Then you're life is already blessed.

[Navarre]

I am blessed to know her. I find I have to work very, very hard to keep a rein on my feelings for her. I try to cultivate the relationship I know we can have, not dwell on the one we cannot. That is difficult.

[Alisha Mynx]

I am blessed to know her. I find I have to work very, very hard to keep a rein on my feelings for her. I try to cultivate the relationship I know we can have, not dwell on the one we cannot. That is difficult.

I wish I could say it gets easier or there was some trick to making it easier.   It doesn't, not really, and there isn't.  Time makes it easier, but that is more similar to lifting a similar weight every day and over time you just get used to it.  Or if your feelings change, but how likely is that to happen?  I'm not saying it can't, but it usually wouldn't change that fast.

[Navarre]

Yeah. I have tried to change my feelings but my emotions are real.

But, like Blackthunder and I have been arguing discussing, although my emotions are what they are, I can change my thinking about the situation to moderate those emotions.

I can't choose how I feel about her. But I can choose not to let that ruin me, bring me into despair, or make choices that would ruin what I can have with her.

[Eothr]

(New to the site and topic)

A helpless romantic? Very much so. A romantic in that I believe in the old values of things, where the man earns his living and finds his place in the world so that he may provide the best possible circumstances for the woman he loves, marry her, have a family, and enjoy a long-lasting relationship, flaws and all. Helpless because that is what I am: without help and unable to help myself...

It's because of that trait that I find myself reading romance fanfiction in much of my spare time...

I myself am conservative, but I acknowledge the liberal nature of humanity. I have no qualms about homosexuality, interracialism, incest (as in the thinly-stretched 3rd-cousin incest), etc. And it's most likely because of that conservative nature that I remain helpless; where are the women who also believe in the old values? From my perspective, I have not met any, but I hope they exist, and that hope fuels my romantic nature.

[SpiderLover]

Well speaking of hopeless romanticism. I have decided to take a step and do something I've never done before. Move in with a girlfriend. I'm terrified by this, but feel its a good move for personal growth. This is of course without saying going to be a lot of about compromise. Any tips?

[Navarre]

@ Eothr: Welcome to the site and topic!

I don't think our society typically cultivates the type of perspective on female roles you are looking for. But that doesn't mean they aren't out there. In the same way you have those values, so will someone else.

Perhaps look for partners in the areas where those values originated. eg, if you are religious and attend a church that tends to espouse those values you're more likely to find a person there than at the women's rights rally down the street.

@ SpiderLover: Living with someone in your physical space is a challenge, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I think people benefit from having their sanctuary from the world and if you aren't careful you can lose that quickly.

Whether you are living at her place or yours, my advice is to watch for how that physical environment changes. It is indicative of the relationship.

For example, let's say she is moving in with you. You already have a place that is however you've made it.

To give both people a sense that this space belongs to them, there will inevitably be some redecorating. But at the end of that do you find that none of the pictures you had on the wall are your pictures any more or that you now have "a place just for you" that is the small room off the back of the hall while all the main living space has been redecorated by her?

Regardless of the female nesting instinct, there should be compromise. Looking around, both parties should feel like it's their space as well as the other persons.

How you get to that will show a lot about how you communicate and make life decisions together. This too is indicative of the state of the relationship.

Good luck.

[@lantis]

Eothr, I have met a couple women while I was at college who share your general view of things.  They aren't common, but they exist.  My advice is that you remind yourself that all relationships are compromise, and assess how much of those ideals you're willing to bend on.  Everyone should try as best as they can to clearly know what their deal-breakers are.  For me it is things I know I can't live without at some point in my life, like pets.  You may find that some of those traditional values you hold as ideals aren't as important as you thought they were.

Spider Lover, I recommend each of you claim certain spaces as your own.  Something like a book shelf or a room, or a mantle.  Something that can have just your stuff in it.  By doing this you will give yourselves a place you can look to as "yours" while your mind wraps itself around the concept of "ours."  When you begin to become more comfortable with the cohabitation you can each allow a bit of intrusion into your safe spaces.  A couple books on your bookshelf, a picture in your room, a lamp on your mantle, etc.  It is essentially the reverse of giving someone a drawer at your place.  It keeps the integration from being complete until you feel comfortable with it.