Age span between partners

[Navarre]

Do you think age matters (assuming both people are of legal age)? Is there an age gap that you think is too much?

Like, let's say a 42 year old man has a thing for a 27 year old woman. Is that age span too much?

When he was 34 and she was 19, is that too much? What about when he is 45 and she is 30?

Does any of it matter and, if so, when and in what context?

[Gaumer]

I don't think this matters at all.

If two people are in love it never should.

[Navarre]

I agree. But then, all the 27 year old women I know think it's creepy for a man in his 40s to be with a woman their age. I'm just interested in hearing some opinions.

[Navarre]

I wonder if older people are more tolerant of it because they understand how rare it is to find someone who's right for them and that things like age matter little in the overall scheme of things?

I wonder if the current 27 year olds will feel differently when they are 42 and perhaps interested in a 27 year old at that time?

[sab39]

There's an informal rule of "half your age plus seven" that I've heard cited. If you go by that rule, sorry, the 42 year old can only date someone who's 28. 27 is despicable and creepy and all that.

I think it's up to the partners. There's all sorts of "rules" that society imposes on who can be with who with varying degrees of ridiculousness - you must be close in age, you must be opposite genders, you must be exclusive, you must want to get married, you must wait until you're married to live together or have sex, etc etc.

My personal opinion is that if consenting adults love each other and nobody is being coerced or manipulated, then whatever makes them happy is fine.

Frankly, I've encountered way too many conventional, equally-aged, opposite-sex married couples where one person or other feels trapped in an unhappy relationship or is being manipulated in some way by the other. I think those are much more outrageous than simply a difference in age.

My only caveat: younger adults are more susceptible to manipulation and have a tendency to be manipulated by their own wishful thinking. And that goes well beyond the "legal" age. So I'd say that when there's a particularly large age difference, there's a certain degree of responsibility on the part of the older partner to draw on their greater life experience to be aware where the younger partner might be deluding themselves about their happiness and "consentyness" if you like. But as long as the happiness and love is genuine, I think it's fine.

[Gaumer]

On your last comment: We've all heard the story of the young bombshell marrying the much, much older man and being called a gold-digger, manipulating the older man for his money.

Same thing maybe?

[Navarre]

There's an informal rule of "half your age plus seven" that I've heard cited. If you go by that rule, sorry, the 42 year old can only date someone who's 28.

So when the 42 year old man is 44 in two years and the young woman is 29... ( (44/2)+7=29!)  Now if that doesn't qualify to go into my "Hope" thread I don't know what does!   

My only caveat: younger adults are more susceptible to manipulation and have a tendency to be manipulated by their own wishful thinking. And that goes well beyond the "legal" age. So I'd say that when there's a particularly large age difference, there's a certain degree of responsibility on the part of the older partner to draw on their greater life experience to be aware where the younger partner might be deluding themselves about their happiness and "consentyness" if you like. But as long as the happiness and love is genuine, I think it's fine.

All of us are the product of our experiences, our maturity when we had those experiences, and our ongoing perceptions. So I agree it's very unlikely a person at 27 will think like a person at 42.

I have been told that is why such relationships can't work: that the person who is 27 can't bring enough to the relationship to match the 42 year old's perceptions and that, because the 27 year old will eventually realize this, it will all fall apart.

But I don't think that is always the case. Perhaps the 42 year old is stimulated by the lack of jaded perception of the 27 year old. Her optimism might be infectious, allowing the 42 year old guy to see the world with more hope, joy, and even frivolity than he might experience with most 42 year old women. Conversely, the 42 year old guy might provide that stable sense of grounded realism that can make the 27 year old feel safer in the world.

Clearly there are all kinds of things that could go wrong on either side. But I don't feel that is much different than any relationship, regardless of age.

I think it simply comes down to what works for those two people, no matter what anyone else thinks. As long as they are consenting adults (and, erm, both humans- sheep need not apply) I don't think anyone should judge them.

But that's just my take on it.

This is all hypothetical, of course. Just for the sake of discussion. 

[schleicher12000]

While you may perceive that others have a problem, it is really only a problem if it bothers you, and you seem pretty bothered by it.

Three things you can do
1) Get over it and do whatever you damn well please.  You really shouldn't give a two shits what anyone else thinks.  It's your life, not theirs.
2) Dump the girl and find someone your own age
3) Date a 19 year old, and REALLY give "them" something to talk about.

I think you need to read a book called What Do You Care What Other People Think by Richard Feynman.

[Navarre]

While you may perceive that others have a problem, it is really only a problem if it bothers you, and you seem pretty bothered by it.

Oh, I'm not personally bothered by it. I am simply interested in how different people perceive the same thing. It is the impetus of almost all my General Discussion topics. It seemed like something worth getting others' perspectives.

There are more younger (as related to my age) people on here than I normally communicate with. So I am interested in the trend of thinking among different age groups.

I agree with your suggestions though. My personal comments would be:

1) I think everyone should do whatever they damn well please so long as they are not infringing upon the rights of others or causing knowing physical/psychological harm.
2) I'm not with the young woman so dumping her would be premature. But if I could be with her I would refer back to point #1.
3) I don't drink so a 19 year old is fine with me. She doesn't even need to vote for it.

[@lantis]

I think age only matters in terms of milestones.  People who are two years apart in high school have drastically different life priorities than two people who are two years apart in their 30's.  When you date someone who is a junior your senior year of college, they are in a completely different stage of their life than you are, but someone a year younger than you NOT in college may be in the same stage of their life as you.

So the 27 and 42 year old could potentially work, but I wouldn't count on it.  That 27 year old still has time and isn't in a hurry to do some of the things a typical 42 year old would want.  Is it wrong?  No, but the age does matter in the relationship.

[Slappy]

Navarre, you are too old for both Kitty Pryde and Illyana Nikolievna Rasputina.

[Blackthunder01]

I've always heard that once you're of legal age, the rule goes:

Half your age + 1

That's what my radio station says anyway.

[Navarre]

"Half your age+1" gets me all the way down to 22. I approve of Blackthunder's formula.

Navarre, you are too old for both Kitty Pryde and Illyana Nikolievna Rasputina.

But if you take them both together they are older than I am. And I was hoping to take them both together.   

I also wonder to what extent gender matters. Maybe the 27 year old women find it creepier than males of any age, I dunno.

My preference in females seems to be women about 15 years younger than I am. Maybe I am 15 years behind in my emotional maturity? That wouldn't surprise me.

[chrysalis]

Who is this 27 year old and should I be worried, 'cause I'm 34.  


... Actually, I find it odd to be dating a 42 year old only because I don't think of myself as being old enough to date a 42 year old. I still think of myself as a young chic. lol

[Navarre]

Who is this 27 year old and should I be worried, 'cause I'm 34. 

Ummm...erm...No-no, of course not. This is (mostly) hypothetical. 

But I would like to hear your perspective on it because there aren't many female members on the forum who post.