Ppl and their problems

[Navarre]

I have come to realize how difficult we make life for ourselves by trying to solve other people's problems in an attempt to make our own lives (or theirs) easier. We tend to either feel selfish for not helping someone else and/or we feel we have to resolve someone else's issue before our own dissipates.

The truth is that each person owns their own problems. Most people claim they will be happy if such-and-such happens. But happiness is a variation on the word happenstance, which implies lack of control.

It is easier for people to place layer on layer of complexity upon themselves and convince themselves those are the problems than it is for one to take responsibility for their own feelings. Humans; we're funny creatures.

Anyway, not much else going on around these parts so I figured I'd say something in the General Discussion forum. This is general. Now discuss. 

[Gaumer]

I have a reoccurring issue right up this alley.

A friend of mine calls me all of the time for a 'shoulder to cry on".

She calls every other week or so and usually complains to my wife about how bad her life is, but I got the phone call Thursday.

She went on and on, sobbing about how her husband and her kids won't change for her family to succeed.

I feel bad when my friends are feeling bad so I told her she has been trying to change them for 20 years and it hasnt worked so far, and I tell her she should just do for herself: go get a job, go back to school, etc. She throws more excuses out like lack of a car, or some other thing that won't help her.

Well, I got mad. I dont mind if someone needs to call and vent out their anger about their frustrations with their family to a friend, but when it becomes habitual, its more than just venting. It becomes a painful, insane existence. Insanity: Doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

So in my anger over my frustration that my friend is constantly feeling bad, and the fact that in the process she is bashing her husband (another friend of mine) I kind of went off.

I told her that she needs to just suck it up and if she wanted things to change she would make them change no matter what. She threatened to leave her husband (something she has done repeatedly) and I told her "No you wont. You say that all the time. Youre a coward who would rather wallow in your self-misery and blame everyone but yourself for your problems than actually do something ANYTHING to fix the problem".

She paused for a second or two, and then just said bye and hung up on me.

Now she's pissed at me and I dont really care. If it takes some harsh language to make someone better themselves and stop being so depressed I think its worth it.

I did this because I love my friend and I dont want to see them upset. Is this greed, like you propose? Yea it is, but I think its for the best.

If our friends are feeling badly, if we love them, its our duty as friends to try to help them. Now, I probably didnt go about helping my friend in a proper way, but I had to help, and honesty is the only thing I have, I'm not Dr. Phil (or maybe I am).

But if a friend has problems dont we have to help if we want to be truly considered friends?

[Navarre]

We absolutely have a responsibility to help our friends. The selfish thing would be to avoid the person. Sometimes it comes down to that but, if they are a real friend, we have to try.

But you can never do more than offer your perspective, which you did. Any change ever to be made will come from her.

She seeks validation for the way she feels and now she is upset because she didn't get it from you. That too is hers to own.

It's like an alcoholic complaining to you that they only drink because they have a bad marriage and then expecting you to understand. She is addicted to her own behavior and wants you to enable her.

I feel sorry for anyone who is having difficulty because life isn't easy. I don't simply take the "They deserve what they get." stance because that's just a way to feel superior at someone else's expense.

But having compassion for someone's difficulties isn't the same as reinforcing them or failing to realize that each person is responsible for their own feelings and actions.

Feelings are hard to control. We are human and we feel, period.

But we control how we think and our behavior will follow. If we are unhappy with something then we owe it to ourselves to step back, look objectively at the problem, devise a solution, and implement it.

Sure it's hard. It's life. But you either take charge of your life or other people will.

I understand why you got angry because I too get frustrated, both with myself and others. But hopefully you'll be able to let her know you only got angry because you were frustrated and that frustration is a reflection of the pain you feel seeing your friend spend day after day being unhappy.

But, in the end, it's her path to travel. I hope she chooses better than she has. And I hope we are able to look at the thinking errors of others to help us keep perspective on our own lives.

[Navarre]

Hello, my friends. I have missed all of you and am very sorry I have been gone so long. Much has happened of late.

To summarize, I and my ex-wife both work for a medical software company. We have each been there 9 1/2 years.

As a field trainer and support technician, I had a company car, computer, and cell phone.

The company was owned by two individuals. One just retired and the other sold his stock to some outsiders.

On October 23rd, I received a call that the new owners were letting me go as well as my ex-wife. I assume this was because they intend to bring in people for less money (and I am sure less skill and loyalty, if you ask me).

Suddenly, my two children had no income coming in nor did me or my ex-wife. The owners showed up right away and took my cell phone, computer, and car. They didn't even give me 2 weeks notice.

I have just now been able to borrow a laptop so I can manage my online bills and contact the outside world. I live in a rural area about 5 miles from even the nearest busline. I have no one who can help me with transportation so I have been stuck here in my house for some time.

I had mentioned earlier that I was renting rooms in my house here to make ends meet. One roommate moved out last month so I also lost that income.

The first thing I had to do was get something I could drive. All of my savings have gone to that and I have nothing left.

I am not making anywhere near enough money each month to continue but I have reduced every cost I can. I am on unemployment and am trying to get my mortgage loan reduced due to hardship.

The last few weeks have been a tremendous struggle for me. But you know I don't give up and I won't. I have to pull through this and I will. My children still need me.

I have missed everyone here very much. I will post as much as I can.

I hope to resume posting 9,000+ posts a day soon. Right now, I have to prioritize to survive.

I hope everyone is doing well. Take care, my friends.

[Gaumer]

That sucks dude. Its tough for everybody right now. I know that dont change nothing but just know you arent alone in struggling.

[morpheus11]

That sucks Navarre!  I am so sorry to hear that all that happened all at once.  Hang in there b/c I am a firm believer of "what goes around comes around".  So, all the bad things that have happened will be followed by a bunch of good things. 

[The Hitman]

Oh man, that is a real bummer. I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. But y'know, something good will come of this. Things happen for a reason, I say. Good luck, buddy.

[Navarre]

I am trying to start my own company, doing the same work as I was before. Now my former employer is trying to stop me from doing that.

I don't have a non-compete agreement and I'm doing nothing wrong. They're just trying to bully me. But it's hard to deal with. Now I have to possibly get an attorney too.

Where is Wolverine when you really need him?